time

Time

I like to think a thought sometimes,

when I'm not busy worrying.

Worrying about odd rhymes.

Thinking about times.

All of the times.

Lunchtime.

Bedtime.

Time to go.

Time for school.

Time to try.

Time to die.

More arbitrary lines scribbled in the sands.

Like the faux borders of our lands.

It surprises me every time I think,

that everybody gets the same small wink.

Just a blip of time on the big round ball.

Yet mine is the most important of all.

I am nothing.

I am nothing.

But you are something.

YOU are something.

I'm the only me.

You're the only you.

I'm the most important me,

because I'm the only me that can see you.

I'd like to give some advice.

Some vague platitude.

Like I have a clue.

Quit trying to discover what it's all about.

There's nothing to figure out.

the observer

she's like a sunset:

inexplicably beautiful and composed of the most brilliant colors.
she's not a rare thing, but is rarely appreciated.
she can be different day to day, but you can count on her to take your breath away if you take the time to notice.
she doesn't boast in her beauty. she doesn't even know she's beautiful. she's been told, but that's all she knows.
she's a beautiful thing that cannot be captured. not even for a moment.
she'll keep getting brighter and more beautiful until the very end.

she's one of the few that makes me want to sit and watch her for hours. watch her be her.


I can't remember the last time I watched a sunset.

Resolutions: Revisited (Again)

Screw my old goals.

They were way too complicated. And although I would still like to accomplish a majority of those goals, most of them I can't achieve in my current living situation. So, I've decided to set just 10 goals for the month of February, and I'll reevaluate at the beginning of March. Sound good? Good.

1) Get back on track with scripture reading
2) No more Skyrim/PS3/Xbox
3) Go outside for more than just to get to the next building
4) Exercise in the way you see fit that day
5) Cut back on sugar
6) Take more pictures
7) Keep reading
8) Keep writing
9) Go through the Preach My Gospel more often
10) Stay caught up in classes

Let's hope February goes better!

books

I like reading books.

Books about love. Books about life. Books about adventures. Books about good and evil.

Mostly because I don't have a ton of that in my life right now. I'm in a loveless, lifeless, adventurous time of my life. But I'm not in a sad time of my life.

I haven't really felt sadness in a while, and that makes me feel... empty. I remember senior year of high school when everything was drama and sadness and girls and more drama. I definitely don't miss drama, but I do miss the sadness that came along with it. I didn't have a lot of purpose or happiness in those days, but I did have sadness. And that sadness is what kept me from going insane with boredom. Numbness.

Right now I'm feeling pretty numb. I making some of the most important decisions in my life right now, and that should at least be a little scary, right? But it's not. I'm totally fine. I actually find myself hoping something disastrous would happen to ME, not anyone close to me, but me. I'm bored with life. Not sad in life, just bored.

I miss the summertime. I want to be able to go for a walk without having to be wrapped in a bunch of layers. Can I just be outside in my tanktop and feel the air?

I want to marvel at something.

I'm not blaming the universe for being boring, I'm blaming myself for not being able to see the interesting things life has to offer.

I dunno. Just thought this needed to be said.

adaptation

Today I saw Adaptation.

The 2002 movie starring Nicolas Cage. I don't particularly like Nicolas Cage, but I was really interested in the character he played in this film. Not so much because the character he was playing was interesting, no, more that the character he was playing was so... mediocre. Boring if you will. He reminds me of me.

I learned something new about myself watching this movie. I wanna know what it feels like to care about something passionately. There is a character in the movie, John Laroche, who poaches flowers. Specifically a "Ghost Orchid." An orchid so rare, and so sought after, that it's the thing of legends. Susan Orlean is interviewing Mr. Laroche and trying to understand what makes him do the things he does. The symbol of the orchid is huge for me. It's this mysterious, sought after, magical, beautiful flower. It's so rare that you would be extremely lucky to see one in your lifetime. The only problem is, Susan doesn't care about flowers. She thinks she should, because everyone else cares about this flower, and she deludes herself into thinking that seeing this flower will be some life changing experience that drives her to reach some new level of passion and emotion. But I love the part in the film where she sees the flower after a grueling hike and her reaction was, "It's just a flower." I feel like I make this same mistake myself every day. I'm always looking for some big answer. Some magnificent manifestation of raw, passionate emotion. Just like Susan, "I wanna know what it feels like to care about something passionately." Maybe that turning point in life where you gain clarity happens in a moment, maybe it doesn't. I wouldn't know.

Resolutions: Revisited

So last November I wrote a post titled "new year's resolutions". I thought since it has been exactly two months since that post, I'd look back on those resolutions and see how I did, and how I can revise them. So here we go.

I had two main goals that were:
 1) Do something.
 2) Regret nothing.

I feel like I accomplished the 'do something' goal pretty well, but I have done some things that I regret so I'll be working on those this year.

Those two main goals branched out into five narrower goals:
 1) Learn more.
 2) Love more.
 3) Live more.
 4) Play more.
 5) Laugh more.

Learn. I feel like I've been learning a LOT lately. Most of my classes inspire me with thoughts I've never thought before, and my scripture reading goal is teaching me small truths.

Love. I feel like I could love a little deeper. I have started telling people that I love that I love them more often though. Some people think that love is a special word that should be saved for the one, but I think that's selfish. I'm gonna spread my love far and wide. That sounded awkward. Moving on.

Live. I have not really done well with this one at all. I haven't gotten out of my comfort zone. But I have begun to eliminate sources of virtual reality from my life (i.e. Facebook, Minecraft, etc.) Unfortunately, my parents got me a PS3 for Christmas... I really don't play it that often though! Should I get rid of it?

Play. Nope. I need to play more.

Laugh. I'm getting there! I'm trying to be more passive.

Finally I had really specific subgoals:

1) a. Scripture (30+ minutes, at least 15 on BoM)
    b. School (B's)

Definitely accomplished! I've since increased my scripture reading goal. And I did get all B's last semester! Let's do it again this semester!

2) a. Service (temple/blood weekly, home teaching)
    b. Forgiveness
    c. Gratitude

Failed service. Did good in forgiveness as far as I can tell. Did better in gratitude. These aren't exactly measurable goals except for service, which I completely failed at. I'm going to redouble my efforts for the temple, giving blood, and doing home teaching.

3) a. Computer Time (30 min)
    b. Go outside
    c. See friends
    d. Get crazy

I did really good in computer time. I did alright in going outside, but it's cold now, so I'm revising this to "Get out of the dorm". See friends. I haven't really spent much time with my friends lately, because I've been busy with other projects, but when I'm with my friends I am WITH my friends. Get crazy. I'm deleting this one. I want to be outgoing and friendly, but not obnoxious.

4) a. Music (listen, practice, make)
    b. Writing (NaNoWriMo, poetry)
    c. Reading (Non-church material)
    d. Restrict Video Game time

I am suspending music for the time being. Music is not what I want to do with my life. Music is something I enjoy listening to, but making it is not my forte. I'm going to try and be a more visual person, but not necessarily restrict myself by labeling myself as such.

Writing... I have not finished that NaNoWriMo novel... But I do now have my Spiritual Notebook Pt. II! I've been kind of journaling, kind of questioning, kind of organizing in it. But I am going to go back to that novel, and try to write more often. I'm not going to state what I will be writing though. I'm gonna leave that up to interpretation.

Reading. I haven't really read that much, but I do have several excellent novels lined up! The Fault In Our Stars, Sherlock Holmes, The Steve Jobs Biography, and others.

Restricting video game time. Heck. Yes. Good job me.

5. Laugh more.

I did good I think. Good job self!

So how did I do overall? Decent. I am seeing some improvement! So I think it's time to rethink and restate my goals. I want to try getting more measurable with these goals, because I noticed I was having trouble seeing whether or not my goals were getting accomplished. So here we go!

I'm going to go ahead and state some life goals to start:
1. Live a self-sustainable life
2. Be able to look back without regrets
3. Be able to say I travelled the world
4. Have a collection of photos to remember my past by
5. Be as close to Christ as possible
6. Be healthy

Now I want to try achieving these goals as soon as possible, but I know that these goals will NEVER be completed. I can always live more sustainable. I can always try to live with no regrets. I can always travel more. I can always take more photos. I can always be more like Christ. So I want to give myself smaller goals that will help me on my way toward these goals.

1. Live a self-sustainable life.
By this I mean, live green. Live like you're going camping. Leave this planet nicer than when you got here. So:
   a) Recycle whenever possible.
   b) Start gardening (I realize this isn't exactly possible right now, but get ready to start a garden when you own a house, research gardening techniques)
   c) Collect rain water for use in the home.
   d) Use wind/solar/etc. Use sustainable energies.
   e) Buy a more fuel efficient car.
   f) Turn off the lights.
   g) Clean your plate.

2. Be able to look back without regrets.
   a) Don't stay in bed.
   b) Always be kind to others.
   c) Contribute to society in some way. Find out how you can help. Service is so important.

3. Be able to say that I travelled the world
I realize this is also not strictly available to me right now. But I should start saving as soon as I can.
   a) Save 20% of all earnings on travel
   b) Begin a bucket list, and prioritize.

4. Have a collection of photos to remember my past by
To have a collection of photos, I need to take pictures, and because I don't like carrying my nice camera around everywhere, I either want to get a little point and shoot, or a bunch of disposable cameras. Or both.
   a) Save money for a little point and shoot.
   b) After getting the point and shoot, save for disposable cameras.
   c) Continue Dailyboothing with my nice camera

5. Be as close to Christ as possible
   a) Do Home Teaching
   b) Complete scripture reading goal
   c) Go to the temple weekly
   d) Pay 10% of all earnings to the Church
   e) Pay fast offerings
   f) Be a missionary

6. Be healthy
   a) Daily Yoga
   b) Cut back on sweets
   c) Go to bed. Get out of bed. 11:00pm-7:00am weekdays. 12:00am-8:am weekends.
   d) Spend time outdoors

7. Other
   a) Finish that novel
   b) Start another novel
   c) Post on your blog at least once a week.
   d) Read a novel once every month.
   e) B's in school

Alrighty! My new set of goals! I feel like these are a little bit more achievable and measurable. Some of these will be easier than others for sure. I'd better get started then!

hipsters and the meaning of life

Let me be perfectly clear. Stereotypes are never okay.

People are people. Individuals. Each and every one. That being said, I do classify some people as hipsters, nerds, jocks, etc. But that is only because those individuals are trying to fit into that clique, whether consciously or not. I think people rarely try to fit into a particular stereotype, but they still do it. Everyone longs to be accepted. Humans are social beings, or so I've heard. And if you go completely off the wall and break all of the social norms, you won't have any friends. Or you'll have really eccentric friends. It all comes down to culture and preferences. Some people prefer a certain type of clothes. Some people prefer certain foods. Hobbies. Religions.

Let me talk about myself for a moment. I have been labeled a hipster by several people. Sometimes it's a compliment, other times an insult. I take it as a compliment however, because I personally enjoy the hipster style. I think hipsters (as defined by the stereotype) are well dressed. Cool. But I strongly dislike the stereotypical hipster attitude.

Hipsters are labeled as these people that shop at thrift stores, drink coffee, don't eat meat, wear big glasses, listen to indie music for the sake of being indie, do yoga, meditate, etc. I do a lot of these things, but not to be a hipster. A word of advice toward anyone that wants to be a hipster: don't try to be a label. I shop at thrift stores because those are the only places to get vinyl, cassettes, VHS, and flannel shirts for a decent price. I don't drink coffee because I want the blessings in the word of wisdom (LDS Doctrine and Covenants Section 89), and I wouldn't be able to afford the addiction anyway. I have also heard that the working conditions for the people harvesting the coffee beans are inhumane. I don't eat meat because: 1) I think eating muscles is gross. 2) I believe in the sanctity of all life. Everything has a spirit. Daniel didn't eat meat. Thou shalt not kill. Things like that. I wear big glasses because I like big glasses. My preference for big glasses will probably change over the years. I listen to "Indie" music because I enjoy indie music. It just always seem to be better than mainstream music. However the music I listen to is becoming progressively prevalent in the hipster crowd, so I suppose it could be considered mainstream amongst hipsters. I also like listening to music that nobody else does because I can connect to it without having anybody else give their input on it and ruin the magic of the music for me. Now let me address the whole vinyl, VHS, and flannel thing. I like vinyl. Not because of the sound. I really don't like listening to vinyl. But I like the really big pictures. It's like a painting that I can listen to. The vinyl itself looks really cool too. The grooves are very pretty. Owning vinyl makes me feel a connection to a time long past that I wasn't a part of. It's like a little piece of history, which I love! I like VHS because it has nice memories associated with it. The sound of the tape being loaded reminds me of when I was a kid. It's nostalgic for me. Plus, I'm a firm believer in physical media. CD's, DVD's, whatever you like. I love it. There is something special about holding the music in your hand. Seeing it in your iTunes window is just boring to me. It loses its magic. I am trying to do yoga more often to improve my circulation and posture. I want to meditate because I have an irrational idea that meditation can give me some kind of insight into the human condition. Some kind of meaning to life.

You would think that being Christian would eliminate this need for answers, but it doesn't. I'm sure it helps, but when I don't hold anything back, and ask the tough questions that I doubt can be answers in this life, I feel very small. Such as, "What is the meaning of life?" A commonly asked question. Many people have many answers. There is no purpose. I don't need a purpose to be happy. The purpose is to be tested and tried for sins. But that's not my question. What is the meaning of life? Including the afterlife. Men are that they might have joy. Is that the only thing? To be happy? So, in the mortal life we are supposed to follow the commandments. Avoid sin. Love God. Why? Who decided what sin was? Did God? Where did God get his power from? Commanding creatures that you made to love you or live in hell for all eternity seems a little insecure to me. I know this is blasphemous to talk about, but these are the honest questions in my heart. I know I'm lacking some crucial piece of knowledge that I probably won't acquire in this life, but I really hope that that doesn't affect my application to heaven. I can't help but wonder: is God perfect? I know he knows everything, but does he make the right choices based on his knowledge? Those are completely different things. This is a real question to anyone reading, not rhetorical: Does God ever claim to be perfect? Or do humans label God as perfect because they need Him to be perfect? I know Joseph Smith once said something along these lines... "As man is, God once was. As God is, man can become." I could be interpreting this completely wrong but this makes me wonder: Is our God not the one true God? Or is God a man that was on a world like Earth that passed his God's test and was then allowed to create his own Universe which he could then rule over and ask his creations to love him? I can't help but feel like there is some bigger picture than just the premortal life, mortal life, and the afterlife. How long was the premortal life? Forever? For God maybe, but if he created me, then I have a beginning. Mortal life is preparatory. But for what? The afterlife? What is the afterlife, and how long does it last? Paradise or Prison, and forever. But there have got to be more trials in the afterlife, or the afterlife wouldn't be very lively. Is perfection really attainable? If so, what is perfection? I think it is an unrealistic concept. Everybody has their own idea of perfect, so therefore, perfection is many things. But perfection in and of itself means flawless. But who decides what flaws are? Maybe I like some things that others may consider flaws. Therefore the only way for perfection to be attainable is for everyone to have the same concept of what a flaw is, which leads to a very boring, static civilization. I need some contention in my life to have purpose. I need to be a little different to be happy. If perfection is a place where there is no contention, and no diversity, maybe I don't want to be perfect.

That took a turn. Sorry about that. No I'm not. Those are the questions that define me. If that makes me a bad Mormon, or a bad Christian, so be it. Ask and ye shall receive right? I'm asking. I'm not expecting to receive, but i'd definitely appreciate it.

Back to the hipster thing. Seems a little trivial to talk about now, but i'm going to anyway, because I care about it.

I believe that everybody is unique. Some less than others, but what can you do? But as humans we like to find patterns. So some people fit into stereotypical patterns. But that causes a lot of judgement. It really hurts my feelings when I am accused of being a hipster for the sake of being different, as if that's a bad thing. Everybody wants to be different. But at the same time, everybody wants to fit in. Different, but not too different. And everybody is different! It's impossible to be exactly the same as somebody else, because of the laws of physics. Even if you had the exact same genes as somebody, with the same clothes, hair, face, you couldn't occupy the same space at the same time, and that is different. So why is it so frowned upon to try to be different? What's wrong with trying to be an individual? Trying to discover something that nobody else has before. Discover something about the world that nobody has noticed. Discover something about yourself that nobody has pointed out. I encourage exploration. It makes things interesting. The likelihood that I will discover something that nobody on the planet has discovered before, or even thought of before, is slim to none. But the likelihood that I'll discover something that I haven't discovered before is 100%. I guarantee that I will always be learning something new. There is no way that I can run out of things to learn. It's impossible with the brain designed like it is.

In conclusion, be yourself. Or be somebody else if you want. I don't like the quote, "Be yourself because everyone else is taken." This makes me feel like I can't be like somebody else. Which is totally wrong! It might be obnoxious to that person, but you are you and you can be who you want to be. If you wake up one day and find yourself to be a hipster, just remember that you're so much more than that.