I just want to be good enough for you.
I make mistakes.
I screw up.
I say the wrong things at the wrong times.
I try too hard sometimes.
I don't try hard enough other times.
I can't forgive.
I get jealous.
I'm awkward.
I'm not them.
I'm not the smartest
prettiest
nicest
cleverest
most patient
most creative
most original
most anything...
But I love you. And I'm trying.
I am me, and I just wanna be good enough for you.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
new day's resolutions
I've been meaning to write this post for a while now, and driving for twelve hours in the car on the way to my new temporary life seems like the perfect time.
I don't believe in flings.
And by flings I mean short relationships based on physical interaction that are designed and planned not to last. That may be the reason I didn't kiss all throughout high school cause high school is "just for fun". That is total bs. Why should anything change after high school? I don't believe in anything temporary. Which poses a problem for me, because I also believe nothing is permanent. Change is then only constant. People change. Ideas change. Things change, and not always for the better.
So here I am. Stuck in limbo.
Stuck in the transient state of life, and on a more temporary note, stuck in the awkward period of time right after high school, and just before college. Changing from child to adult. Transitioning from dependent to independent. And I'm not even sure what I'm transitioning into. I've been led to believe that adults are just kids that have more responsibilities and less fun. So I definitely don't want to be that. But i'm afraid everybody loses a bit of their childhood carelessness at some point. Even Peter Pan. I blame the downfall of childhood on women. Sorry ladies.
Anyway. Back to the awkward, almost adult topic.
It's a terrifying and thrilling prospect, being an adult. Freedom and responsibility are the scales of adulthood. You have the option to do more things, but also the responsibility not to abuse that freedom. And if you aren't responsible, you generally have negative consequences. And this isn't a game. There are no 1-ups. You get one shot to live your life. If you screw up, you might have to spend of your life regretting something. You might get an afterlife, but there is no way to be sure without a little faith. And anyway, you still have to deal with the consequences of this life in the next. But what if you don't believe in the next life. If you're like me, and you despise anything temporary, this life seems basically pointless. Maybe even scary, for the thought of it ending.
So you have a choice. Live in fear of what comes next, or live to the fullest, with no regrets. No regrets for things you have done, and no regrets for things you haven't.
There's one more option that I've briefly considered. And that is the option of taking your life into your own hands and cutting it short, thereby giving yourself the illusion of control. But when you think about it, who are you proving that you have control to? God? Family? Friends? I can promise that suicide won't prove anything to anyone. It's not brave, it's stupid and cowardly. The bravest thing you can do is keep on living, because honestly, being alive is probably the most terrifying, wonderful, brilliant thing ever conjured up. Being human. Having emotions, opinions, feelings. These aren't strictly human experiences, but by being human we can identify and express them like no other creature on earth. Art. Music. No other species has come even close to expressing feelings as much as humans. I am proud to be human for this, and also so disappointed with mankind for squandering and taking this awesome thing for granted. I want to experience all that humankind has to offer.
This brings me back to the crossroads of my life. Deciding where to go from here is like seeing two paths in a yellow wood, but they're both exactly the same. As said by Lewis Carroll(sorry if the spelling is off) in his book "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland", the main protagonist Alice is questioning the Cheshire cat on which way to go and he replies "that depends on where you want to end up" and Alice innocently and naively replies something like, "It doesn't really matter" and the Cheshire Cat grins and replies, "then it doesn't matter much which way you go". This story hasn't ever applied to me more than now. I'm trying to decide which way to go in life, but I have no idea which way to go. But it's my own fault because I have no idea where I want to end up. But that doesn't matter to me so much as the journey does. And the journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. The best I can do is to not walk in a circle.
So what I'm trying to get at with my long winded post is that I'm going to stop controlling my life so much, and focus more on enjoying what comes my way. The journey is temporary but there is always now.
I don't believe in flings.
And by flings I mean short relationships based on physical interaction that are designed and planned not to last. That may be the reason I didn't kiss all throughout high school cause high school is "just for fun". That is total bs. Why should anything change after high school? I don't believe in anything temporary. Which poses a problem for me, because I also believe nothing is permanent. Change is then only constant. People change. Ideas change. Things change, and not always for the better.
So here I am. Stuck in limbo.
Stuck in the transient state of life, and on a more temporary note, stuck in the awkward period of time right after high school, and just before college. Changing from child to adult. Transitioning from dependent to independent. And I'm not even sure what I'm transitioning into. I've been led to believe that adults are just kids that have more responsibilities and less fun. So I definitely don't want to be that. But i'm afraid everybody loses a bit of their childhood carelessness at some point. Even Peter Pan. I blame the downfall of childhood on women. Sorry ladies.
Anyway. Back to the awkward, almost adult topic.
It's a terrifying and thrilling prospect, being an adult. Freedom and responsibility are the scales of adulthood. You have the option to do more things, but also the responsibility not to abuse that freedom. And if you aren't responsible, you generally have negative consequences. And this isn't a game. There are no 1-ups. You get one shot to live your life. If you screw up, you might have to spend of your life regretting something. You might get an afterlife, but there is no way to be sure without a little faith. And anyway, you still have to deal with the consequences of this life in the next. But what if you don't believe in the next life. If you're like me, and you despise anything temporary, this life seems basically pointless. Maybe even scary, for the thought of it ending.
So you have a choice. Live in fear of what comes next, or live to the fullest, with no regrets. No regrets for things you have done, and no regrets for things you haven't.
There's one more option that I've briefly considered. And that is the option of taking your life into your own hands and cutting it short, thereby giving yourself the illusion of control. But when you think about it, who are you proving that you have control to? God? Family? Friends? I can promise that suicide won't prove anything to anyone. It's not brave, it's stupid and cowardly. The bravest thing you can do is keep on living, because honestly, being alive is probably the most terrifying, wonderful, brilliant thing ever conjured up. Being human. Having emotions, opinions, feelings. These aren't strictly human experiences, but by being human we can identify and express them like no other creature on earth. Art. Music. No other species has come even close to expressing feelings as much as humans. I am proud to be human for this, and also so disappointed with mankind for squandering and taking this awesome thing for granted. I want to experience all that humankind has to offer.
This brings me back to the crossroads of my life. Deciding where to go from here is like seeing two paths in a yellow wood, but they're both exactly the same. As said by Lewis Carroll(sorry if the spelling is off) in his book "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland", the main protagonist Alice is questioning the Cheshire cat on which way to go and he replies "that depends on where you want to end up" and Alice innocently and naively replies something like, "It doesn't really matter" and the Cheshire Cat grins and replies, "then it doesn't matter much which way you go". This story hasn't ever applied to me more than now. I'm trying to decide which way to go in life, but I have no idea which way to go. But it's my own fault because I have no idea where I want to end up. But that doesn't matter to me so much as the journey does. And the journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. The best I can do is to not walk in a circle.
So what I'm trying to get at with my long winded post is that I'm going to stop controlling my life so much, and focus more on enjoying what comes my way. The journey is temporary but there is always now.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
dream journal
I'm thinking it wouldn't be a terrible idea to start a dream journal.
Every day for about a week now, i've had (or at least remembered) one dream, and they're all really good! I can't remember the ones throughout the week, but I think i'm gonna start writing them down. Just because they're fun. n_n Alright let's begin!
Tuesday morning June 12:
The first dream I remember was playing truth or dare and I got dared to kiss this one girl, not important who, and I leaned in, and then I pulled back and asked, "don't you have to dare her too?" and then she kissed me and I think I was too stunned to do anything, so I just kind of sat there. I'm a crappy kisser apparently.
Okay second dream, this one was more out there. I was playing pingpong at the union, but instead of where the bowling usually is, there was a massive auditorium full of what looked like all the high school students from across Utah, each wearing different colored graduation robes. Or wizard robes, take your pic. Okay I was playing pingpong and then either someone came and got me and threw robes on me, or I was magically teleported on stage. On far stage left to be precise. Actually on the steps leading up to stage left. On the right stage. There were THREE stages!! The right stage was a massive mountain that looked like clouds or ice cream, that was probably made out of a foam type substance, and there were places for the singers to stand. I think I was wearing green or maroon robes. I can't remember. But we were in the middle of a song, a dream is a wish, and I didn't know the words (I actually don't know the words) but I sang what I knew really well (I thought). But when it ended, I was at the only exit off stage, but I had no idea where to go, I hadn't been to any of the practices! But Senorita Taylor was very kind and yelled at me to get off the stage. So I ran and sat next to her, and said, "sorry! i haven't been to any of the practices!" and she said, "It's fine!! I loved your harmonies!! You have a great voice, I wish you were in the choir!" (Why was I on stage if I wasn't in the choir? o.O) Anyway! Senorita was the choir director for this disney concert thing. Next up we had some people in glittery blue robes get on the cloud stage and they sang... something I didn't like. I don't remember. I don't remember most of the concert, but it was the best concert i've never been to. At some point people in purple robes did the hercules song, "the gospel truth" on the middle stage, which was just a standard stage, and they were UNREAL! They got an encore and they did "circle of life" which was arranged magnificently and the lead male singer was AMAZING and the harmonies were ridiculous. They were like a gospel choir. After that someone (the host I guess) got on the left stage (devil stage) and asked how everyone was doing, and she got major applause and cheering and mass hysteria. And then another group in yellow got on that stage and starting singing a song that I don't remember. And the host went around asking what people were doing for their birthdays so the song must have had to do with birthdays. Maybe a peter pan song... I dunno. But she asked me what I was doing and I said, "Um... turning 18!!" And the crowd erupted and then I woke up. n_n
So those are my crazy dreams for the day! I hope you enjoyed them!
Every day for about a week now, i've had (or at least remembered) one dream, and they're all really good! I can't remember the ones throughout the week, but I think i'm gonna start writing them down. Just because they're fun. n_n Alright let's begin!
Tuesday morning June 12:
The first dream I remember was playing truth or dare and I got dared to kiss this one girl, not important who, and I leaned in, and then I pulled back and asked, "don't you have to dare her too?" and then she kissed me and I think I was too stunned to do anything, so I just kind of sat there. I'm a crappy kisser apparently.
Okay second dream, this one was more out there. I was playing pingpong at the union, but instead of where the bowling usually is, there was a massive auditorium full of what looked like all the high school students from across Utah, each wearing different colored graduation robes. Or wizard robes, take your pic. Okay I was playing pingpong and then either someone came and got me and threw robes on me, or I was magically teleported on stage. On far stage left to be precise. Actually on the steps leading up to stage left. On the right stage. There were THREE stages!! The right stage was a massive mountain that looked like clouds or ice cream, that was probably made out of a foam type substance, and there were places for the singers to stand. I think I was wearing green or maroon robes. I can't remember. But we were in the middle of a song, a dream is a wish, and I didn't know the words (I actually don't know the words) but I sang what I knew really well (I thought). But when it ended, I was at the only exit off stage, but I had no idea where to go, I hadn't been to any of the practices! But Senorita Taylor was very kind and yelled at me to get off the stage. So I ran and sat next to her, and said, "sorry! i haven't been to any of the practices!" and she said, "It's fine!! I loved your harmonies!! You have a great voice, I wish you were in the choir!" (Why was I on stage if I wasn't in the choir? o.O) Anyway! Senorita was the choir director for this disney concert thing. Next up we had some people in glittery blue robes get on the cloud stage and they sang... something I didn't like. I don't remember. I don't remember most of the concert, but it was the best concert i've never been to. At some point people in purple robes did the hercules song, "the gospel truth" on the middle stage, which was just a standard stage, and they were UNREAL! They got an encore and they did "circle of life" which was arranged magnificently and the lead male singer was AMAZING and the harmonies were ridiculous. They were like a gospel choir. After that someone (the host I guess) got on the left stage (devil stage) and asked how everyone was doing, and she got major applause and cheering and mass hysteria. And then another group in yellow got on that stage and starting singing a song that I don't remember. And the host went around asking what people were doing for their birthdays so the song must have had to do with birthdays. Maybe a peter pan song... I dunno. But she asked me what I was doing and I said, "Um... turning 18!!" And the crowd erupted and then I woke up. n_n
So those are my crazy dreams for the day! I hope you enjoyed them!
Sunday, July 10, 2011
life on broadway
I feel like age is kind of pointless.
Age is just the number of times you've been around the sun. It's basically the x amount of time you've had to have y amount of experiences. I believe experience is what ultimately makes you, you. But the amount of time you get on this rock has nothing to do with the quality of experience you have! x≠y !! What you get out of life is what you put into it. Your life is your life. Nobody else can live it for you. Some people are the doers who go out and make things happen. Some people are watchers who enjoy seeing other people enjoy life. Some people are dreamers who are satisfied with living life in a make-believe fantasy. When I was a kid, I was a dreamer. I dreamed about all the things I would do when I "grew up". I wanted to be an astronaut. I wanted to be an inventor. I wanted to be an author. I'm obviously not any of those things yet. But it's never too late to make those things happen! Well... i'm pretty sure they don't let infirm elderlies into space... but hopefully I don't wait that long to get my life moving. Then when I was in junior high I was a watcher. I didn't really have friends, but I didn't care, because I loved watching people have friends. It's kind of sad now that I think about it... But I loved it at the time! Even when I did have friends, I was more of a watcher than a participant. When I did participate, it was because someone forced me to. Then I got to the point where I realized I had 15 years of "experience" that wasn't worth experiencing. I switched to being a doer. Which is an awfully scary transition. It was like being in the crowd watching a play over and over again, and then deciding to hop on stage with the cast. But when I got up there I realized that nobody had any clue what they were doing either! They were just good actors. It was all improv. What i'm saying is that some people live their lives as if their doing a rehearsal, but this is it! This is the show! Are you participating? Are you watching? Or are you at home imagining what the play is like? There is a role for everybody. A unique role. It doesn't matter how old you are, you can always switch roles!
So. Who are you gonna be?
Age is just the number of times you've been around the sun. It's basically the x amount of time you've had to have y amount of experiences. I believe experience is what ultimately makes you, you. But the amount of time you get on this rock has nothing to do with the quality of experience you have! x≠y !! What you get out of life is what you put into it. Your life is your life. Nobody else can live it for you. Some people are the doers who go out and make things happen. Some people are watchers who enjoy seeing other people enjoy life. Some people are dreamers who are satisfied with living life in a make-believe fantasy. When I was a kid, I was a dreamer. I dreamed about all the things I would do when I "grew up". I wanted to be an astronaut. I wanted to be an inventor. I wanted to be an author. I'm obviously not any of those things yet. But it's never too late to make those things happen! Well... i'm pretty sure they don't let infirm elderlies into space... but hopefully I don't wait that long to get my life moving. Then when I was in junior high I was a watcher. I didn't really have friends, but I didn't care, because I loved watching people have friends. It's kind of sad now that I think about it... But I loved it at the time! Even when I did have friends, I was more of a watcher than a participant. When I did participate, it was because someone forced me to. Then I got to the point where I realized I had 15 years of "experience" that wasn't worth experiencing. I switched to being a doer. Which is an awfully scary transition. It was like being in the crowd watching a play over and over again, and then deciding to hop on stage with the cast. But when I got up there I realized that nobody had any clue what they were doing either! They were just good actors. It was all improv. What i'm saying is that some people live their lives as if their doing a rehearsal, but this is it! This is the show! Are you participating? Are you watching? Or are you at home imagining what the play is like? There is a role for everybody. A unique role. It doesn't matter how old you are, you can always switch roles!
So. Who are you gonna be?
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