strings

You know what it feels like to be numb in the face after the dentist, or staying outside in the cold too long?

You know how it interferes with your eating and speech? And maybe you've even sat on the toilet too long and your legs have fallen asleep, like me. It's the weirdest feeling. I always feel detached from my own feet, like they don't belong to me. I usually feel like I live in my head, and my body is just an extension of my consciousness, heart, and spirit. But when my body goes numb, I feel like it's not even a part of me. I punch my feet trying to feel something, and laugh when I bruise my knuckles. So you can imagine the sense of emptiness and loss that I feel when I go emotionally numb. After you lose feeling in such a big part of your heart, it's hard to feel anything but loss. Nothing tastes as sweet as it used to. My heart is the only thing that makes me me, and when that goes numb, i'm just a hollowed out animated corpse on puppet strings. I had just gotten feeling back, when I decided to hand over my strings to someone else. You have to put all your trust in the puppet-master, because they'll string you along wherever they want you to go. They'll live out their fantasies on that little stage. And it'll be great! You'll live happily together for a while, dancing, laughing, playing together. He'll paint a smile on your face, and make you the happiest puppet there ever was. But eventually the master will find new puppets to dance with. And you'll be left backstage in a motionless heap, that stupid fake smile painted on your blank wooden face. Time will go by and your paint will chip off piece by piece. And someday a new puppeteer will find you in your dark corner, and fall in love with you. They'll pick you up by your old strings, dust you off, paint a brand new face on you, and the cycle starts again. They'll leave too. You can't live your life waiting for someone to play with your heart strings. Don't be a puppet. Cut the strings and walk tall and proud. Paint your own face, and find another free puppet to play on the stage with.

Actually, forget the rambling parable.

Don't ever get caught up in trying to be the person you think others want you to be. Be yourself. If you try too hard being what you think somebody wants or even needs, you'll lose yourself. And when you lose them too, you have nothing. No sense of self, and no sense of attachment to anyone else. You have to start from scratch like you did once before. Just pray you won't find someone else to try and please, so you can rebuild yourself completely. Once you know you, you can try to know somebody else. One of the best feelings in the world is discovering yourself with somebody else. The problem with that, is that half of you is somebody else. And they always leave. But. Is it worth it? Building characters with people over and over again, only to have them ripped apart? It's one of my favorite things to do. Be somebody that somebody else wants me to be. Creating this... persona with somebody wonderful that you care for so intently. It's so amazing while you're in character. But then it's gone. I just don't know if it's worth it. We'll find out. Cause I know i'll do it again. I don't remember how to do anything else.

maybe

"Maybe" makes me want to rip my lungs out.

"Maybe" is a less specific phrase than "15 minutes COULD save you UP TO 15% or MORE on car insurance."

Maybe, someday, eventually, possibly, uncertainly, perhaps. It's so noncommittal! Maybe i'll learn how to play the guitar. Maybe i'll visit Paris someday. Maybe i'll fall in love.

"Maybe" is a hopeful word. It's a word to say "this could happen, but i don't want to get my hopes up, or put the effort in to make it happen".

Imagine if we turned all those maybes and somedays into todays. Live in the now, it's the only time we've got.

regrets

If this was your last night on earth, what would you do?

What would race through your head? What would flash before your eyes? A life full of sweet moments, shared with people you love, or a life full of loneliness and regret. Now this might depend on your perception of your life, but a heavy portion depends on what you did or didn't do in your life. Regret is my LEAST favorite feeling in the world. If I did something that could be avoided, or if I didn't do something that could have happened, I never let it go. But, i've gained some new insight on this recently. Can I safely define regret as a feeling of loss or disappointment for actions taken or not taken? The biggest part of regret is the reaction to action. And i've learned that you can't always be looking at things with regret and remorse. I think exes carry with them one of the more sensitive feelings of regret. There is so many different kinds of pain that go through your heart when it is separated from another's. Most of them having to do with loss. There are so many different ways two lovers can be separated, whether by death, or geographic location, or by the emotional walls they build up around themselves. And the feeling of loss is astonishing. Your heart is your core, the very pinnacle of your identity, and when you share that with another, it is the most unbelievable, blissful feeling experienced by mankind. Blissful isn't the right word. Blissful is more synonymous with passive and content feelings. But sharing love is intense, raw, fierce, burning. You feel invincible, like the world is your oyster, and you have someone to share it with. When you lose that, you have to go back to how you were before. Your feelings are numbed, and nothing is as enjoyable as it once was. Cry, beg, try, fail, need, call, pine, fall, sleep, lose, deny, cling, succumb, isolate, pity, mope, quit, doubt, rely, linger, stare, lean, mourn. Blame, scream, hurt, lie, bite, kick, pinch, hate, push, ignore, run, stomp, gnaw, burn, scratch, slap, bruise, cut, threaten, dread, squeeze, glare, shove, loathe. STOP! Think, remember, reflect, recollect, compose, write, grow, hear, learn, go, see, seek, touch, release, live, tell, open, step, reach, ponder, read, teach, strive. Wake, realize, create, accept, do, thrive, know, celebrate, smile, acknowledge, clench, jump, feel, love, hope, sing, move, on, move, on, move, on. There is a period of mourning that everybody goes through in their own way, but after a while, it's time to remember how wonderful it was to be with them, for however long you had. And on your last night on earth, will you be regretting them? Or will you celebrate the love that you shared, that only a handful of people on earth even have the capacity to feel, let alone actually feel. You might be bruised, bleeding, crying, wishing. And what you had is going to be a stinging memory for a while. But if you can move past it, and remember that it happened, and it was real, and a wonder, then your sojourn on this earth will end with no regrets. You never know when your journey will come to it's end, so don't let regrets and grudges weight you down. Move onward and upward. And pray they can do the same.

drafts

Drafts are the saddest of all the forms of writing. They are like your first awkward kiss, or your first time at a new school. Uncomfortable and clumsy. But drafts are what make masterpieces what they are! Do you think Beethoven wrote his nine symphonies perfectly the first time? If so, you need to try writing a song. It's not that easy even for a musical prodigy like him. Every beautiful creative concoction of past and present ideas needs to start somewhere! Put a complete dream, a thought, a vision somewhere other than your head, and only good things can come of it. There are so many drafts for so many brilliant ideas out there! They never get enough attention to grow and flourish! You should go into your drafts in your texts, your blog posts, your word documents, and finish the idea you started however long ago. You don't want to leave your tenth symphony unfinished do you? Even if the final product isn't "good-enough" to share with the world, at least you put effort into completing an idea. I'll bet you, more often than not, if you put the work in to finish something, you'll be proud enough of it to post it, share it, send it, print it, retweet it, whatever. Apply this to friends, love, school, anything really!! Never leave anything unfinished, or not done to the best you can.