strings

You know what it feels like to be numb in the face after the dentist, or staying outside in the cold too long?

You know how it interferes with your eating and speech? And maybe you've even sat on the toilet too long and your legs have fallen asleep, like me. It's the weirdest feeling. I always feel detached from my own feet, like they don't belong to me. I usually feel like I live in my head, and my body is just an extension of my consciousness, heart, and spirit. But when my body goes numb, I feel like it's not even a part of me. I punch my feet trying to feel something, and laugh when I bruise my knuckles. So you can imagine the sense of emptiness and loss that I feel when I go emotionally numb. After you lose feeling in such a big part of your heart, it's hard to feel anything but loss. Nothing tastes as sweet as it used to. My heart is the only thing that makes me me, and when that goes numb, i'm just a hollowed out animated corpse on puppet strings. I had just gotten feeling back, when I decided to hand over my strings to someone else. You have to put all your trust in the puppet-master, because they'll string you along wherever they want you to go. They'll live out their fantasies on that little stage. And it'll be great! You'll live happily together for a while, dancing, laughing, playing together. He'll paint a smile on your face, and make you the happiest puppet there ever was. But eventually the master will find new puppets to dance with. And you'll be left backstage in a motionless heap, that stupid fake smile painted on your blank wooden face. Time will go by and your paint will chip off piece by piece. And someday a new puppeteer will find you in your dark corner, and fall in love with you. They'll pick you up by your old strings, dust you off, paint a brand new face on you, and the cycle starts again. They'll leave too. You can't live your life waiting for someone to play with your heart strings. Don't be a puppet. Cut the strings and walk tall and proud. Paint your own face, and find another free puppet to play on the stage with.

Actually, forget the rambling parable.

Don't ever get caught up in trying to be the person you think others want you to be. Be yourself. If you try too hard being what you think somebody wants or even needs, you'll lose yourself. And when you lose them too, you have nothing. No sense of self, and no sense of attachment to anyone else. You have to start from scratch like you did once before. Just pray you won't find someone else to try and please, so you can rebuild yourself completely. Once you know you, you can try to know somebody else. One of the best feelings in the world is discovering yourself with somebody else. The problem with that, is that half of you is somebody else. And they always leave. But. Is it worth it? Building characters with people over and over again, only to have them ripped apart? It's one of my favorite things to do. Be somebody that somebody else wants me to be. Creating this... persona with somebody wonderful that you care for so intently. It's so amazing while you're in character. But then it's gone. I just don't know if it's worth it. We'll find out. Cause I know i'll do it again. I don't remember how to do anything else.