new day's resolutions

I've been meaning to write this post for a while now, and driving for twelve hours in the car on the way to my new temporary life seems like the perfect time.

I don't believe in flings.

And by flings I mean short relationships based on physical interaction that are designed and planned not to last. That may be the reason I didn't kiss all throughout high school cause high school is "just for fun". That is total bs. Why should anything change after high school? I don't believe in anything temporary. Which poses a problem for me, because I also believe nothing is permanent. Change is then only constant. People change. Ideas change. Things change, and not always for the better.

So here I am. Stuck in limbo.

Stuck in the transient state of life, and on a more temporary note, stuck in the awkward period of time right after high school, and just before college. Changing from child to adult. Transitioning from dependent to independent. And I'm not even sure what I'm transitioning into. I've been led to believe that adults are just kids that have more responsibilities and less fun. So I definitely don't want to be that. But i'm afraid everybody loses a bit of their childhood carelessness at some point. Even Peter Pan. I blame the downfall of childhood on women. Sorry ladies.

Anyway. Back to the awkward, almost adult topic.

It's a terrifying and thrilling prospect, being an adult. Freedom and responsibility are the scales of adulthood. You have the option to do more things, but also the responsibility not to abuse that freedom. And if you aren't responsible, you generally have negative consequences. And this isn't a game. There are no 1-ups. You get one shot to live your life. If you screw up, you might have to spend of your life regretting something. You might get an afterlife, but there is no way to be sure without a little faith. And anyway, you still have to deal with the consequences of this life in the next. But what if you don't believe in the next life. If you're like me, and you despise anything temporary, this life seems basically pointless. Maybe even scary, for the thought of it ending.

So you have a choice. Live in fear of what comes next, or live to the fullest, with no regrets. No regrets for things you have done, and no regrets for things you haven't.

There's one more option that I've briefly considered. And that is the option of taking your life into your own hands and cutting it short, thereby giving yourself the illusion of control. But when you think about it, who are you proving that you have control to? God? Family? Friends? I can promise that suicide won't prove anything to anyone. It's not brave, it's stupid and cowardly. The bravest thing you can do is keep on living, because honestly, being alive is probably the most terrifying, wonderful, brilliant thing ever conjured up. Being human. Having emotions, opinions, feelings. These aren't strictly human experiences, but by being human we can identify and express them like no other creature on earth. Art. Music. No other species has come even close to expressing feelings as much as humans. I am proud to be human for this, and also so disappointed with mankind for squandering and taking this awesome thing for granted. I want to experience all that humankind has to offer.

This brings me back to the crossroads of my life. Deciding where to go from here is like seeing two paths in a yellow wood, but they're both exactly the same. As said by Lewis Carroll(sorry if the spelling is off) in his book "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland", the main protagonist Alice is questioning the Cheshire cat on which way to go and he replies "that depends on where you want to end up" and Alice innocently and naively replies something like, "It doesn't really matter"  and the Cheshire Cat grins and replies, "then it doesn't matter much which way you go". This story hasn't ever applied to me more than now. I'm trying to decide which way to go in life, but I have no idea which way to go. But it's my own fault because I have no idea where I want to end up. But that doesn't matter to me so much as the journey does. And the journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. The best I can do is to not walk in a circle.

So what I'm trying to get at with my long winded post is that I'm going to stop controlling my life so much, and focus more on enjoying what comes my way. The journey is temporary but there is always now.