The Tale of a Boy and a Donut

The Tale of a Boy and a Donut

by jared olson

[the following events were stored in a faulty memory storage unit for roughly two months. please forgive any inaccuracies]

Once upon a time there was a boy. That's me. A brand new college student, fresh off the high school assembly line. It was a dark, chilly Saturday night in Alpine, Utah, and I had the brilliant idea to leave for college at about 9:00 at night. I was eager to pursue my dreams, and tackle my scholarly pursuits you see. I tried to sneak out of the house to make it as painless for me as possible. I love my family. More and more the longer i'm away from them. But my mom was hugging me and saying goodbye in the entryway so of course my sister heard. She yelled down the stairs, "Are you leaving!? Now?! Without saying goodbye?!" And the rest of the house heard her, so of course they all rushed up to send me off. They care about me after all. We said our goodbyes, and I tried to get out of my driveway before I started tearing up. I made it out alive, and managed to drive all the way to my new home without getting lost. I crawled into bed, and awaited the dawn.

When the morning came, I was out of bed, surprisingly. I didn't know why I was actually awake at a reasonable hour on a Sunday morning, but there I was. So, I thought to myself, "Self, let's go to church!" "That's a great idea self!" So I went to church. It was a good idea. And probably not entirely my own. The lessons were good, as lessons in church usually are. And the speakers spoke words, like they usually do. It was a typical church meeting. The interesting part happened after church, in the Heritage Center.

I went into the food area of the HC, and tip-toed around, stalking my prey. I saw cereal and pizza and fruit... nothing too interesting. But then out of the corner of my eye, I saw it. The most beautiful thing I had ever laid eyes on... A chocolate donut with chocolate frosting and chocolate sprinkles. In other words, heaven in a circular pastry. We walked to a seat together, and had a grand old time. I took a bite of him, he wreaked havoc on my digestive system, the usual things friends do. It was lunch at first sight. But little did I know that in a few moments, a new group of friends would come to rival the companionship that this round slice of heaven and I had shared.

"HEEEYYYYY!!"

I looked up from the phone I had been pretending to text on, so as to not look like my only friend was a donut. To my bewilderment, there were five or six gorgeous girls standing in front of me, all smiling down at me.

"Hi?" I asked.

"We saw you at church today!!!" said a curly haired girl loudly, "Why don't you come sit with us!?"

"Yeah! Come sit with us!!" the rest of the posse chimed in.

I hesitated. I didn't want to make an idiot out of myself in front of these girls. But what choice did I have? I couldn't just say, "No thank you. My friend Donut and I are sharing a moment." So I said, "Sure!"

I sat down at their table and we all introduced ourselves. The loud curly haired girl was Laura. The two quiet ones were Nancy and Karen. The indie ones were Jessica, Erin, and Lexi. And thus began a beautiful friendship.

To be continued... but not written down... Probably... maybe... we'll see.

new year's resolutions

New year's resolutions.

I think new year's resolutions are great, don't get me wrong. it's a time of year where everybody looks at themselves and says, "Hey self. You're awesome. But you could be better." People set goals for themselves. Work out more. Lose ten pounds. (Or in my case gain ten pounds). Write more. Read more. Eat better. Live better. Walmart.

But I think new years doesn't come around often enough.

So, in the spirit of thanksgiving, I have decided to write down some new resolutions for myself and for you, the audience. Maybe this will give you some ideas, and maybe this will give me some accountability. So here we go.

1. Do something.

2. Regret nothing.

That's it. My two goals.

Nah i'm kidding. There's more. But those are the two main things that everything else falls under. I've decided that actions speak louder than words, and i'm itching to sing. I want to do something every day that gets me closer to where I want to be. I want to be in the place where I know where I want to be. That is to say, I don't know where I want to be in the future. A week from now, a year, ten years. I have no idea what the future brings. But, I want to be ready for it, whatever it is. In the words of one of my idols, Steve Jobs, "For the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself, 'If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I'm about to do today?' And whenever the answer has been 'no' for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something." I think I want to start doing that. Don't worry, I'm not gonna drop out of college or anything. I have some of my own thoughts to the end of his statement. "I know I need to change something." I think that that "something" could be interpreted as "don't do what you don't want to do", but I don't like that. I think that "something" is an attitude. If you wake up, and you hate your life, maybe you need some perspective. Millions of people have it worse off than you, what right do you have to complain? I'm not saying that your problems are insignificant, but if you can put whatever you're complaining about in a #firstworldproblems tweet, maybe you need to suck it up. So with that philosophy in mind, here are some more specific goals that will hopefully get me where I need to go.

1. Learn more. (scripture, school, etc.)

2. Love more. (service, forgiveness, gratitude, etc.)

3. Live more. (get off the computer, go outside, see friends, get crazy, etc.)

4. Play more. (music, writing, reading, restrict video game time, etc.)

5. Laugh more. (don't take the above too seriously)

Alright! So those are still not very specific. So let's keep going.

1. a. Scripture (BoM, Bible, Preach My Gospel, HTM, Jesus the Christ, etc.)

-read daily (30+ minutes [at least 15 BoM])

b. School

-Get at least B's

2. a. Service (Temple, blood, home teaching, other)

-Temple at least weekly (Friday)

-Give blood at least weekly (Saturday)

-DO YOUR HOME TEACHING SLACKER

-Find something to do for somebody, wherever you are

b. Forgiveness

-If you ever catch yourself harboring a grudge, forgive them immediately.

c. Gratitude

-Live every moment in gratitude. Gratitude for breath. Gratitude for vision. Gratitude for mind.

3. a. Computer time

-limit to 30 minutes of non-'educational' pursuits.

b. Go outside

-it's beautiful outside. enough said.

c. See friends

-be with your friends when you're with your friends

d. Get crazy

-you're already crazy, let's keep it that way

4. a. Music

-listen to it more

-listen to clean music

-keep making it

b. Writing

-finish NaNoWriMo, even if the month ends

-write poetry more

c. Reading

-scripture study isn't the only reading you should be doing

-read at least 30 minutes of non-church material

d. Restrict video game time

-delete Minecraft.

5. a. Laugh more

-be willing to break the rules for the sake of adventure

I hope you like my goals! I hope I can keep them... I'll keep ya'll updated!

i just wanna be good enough for you

I just want to be good enough for you.

I make mistakes.
I screw up.
I say the wrong things at the wrong times.
I try too hard sometimes.
I don't try hard enough other times.
I can't forgive.
I get jealous.
I'm awkward.
I'm not them.
I'm not the smartest
prettiest
nicest
cleverest
most patient
most creative
most original
most anything...

But I love you. And I'm trying.

I am me, and I just wanna be good enough for you.

new day's resolutions

I've been meaning to write this post for a while now, and driving for twelve hours in the car on the way to my new temporary life seems like the perfect time.

I don't believe in flings.

And by flings I mean short relationships based on physical interaction that are designed and planned not to last. That may be the reason I didn't kiss all throughout high school cause high school is "just for fun". That is total bs. Why should anything change after high school? I don't believe in anything temporary. Which poses a problem for me, because I also believe nothing is permanent. Change is then only constant. People change. Ideas change. Things change, and not always for the better.

So here I am. Stuck in limbo.

Stuck in the transient state of life, and on a more temporary note, stuck in the awkward period of time right after high school, and just before college. Changing from child to adult. Transitioning from dependent to independent. And I'm not even sure what I'm transitioning into. I've been led to believe that adults are just kids that have more responsibilities and less fun. So I definitely don't want to be that. But i'm afraid everybody loses a bit of their childhood carelessness at some point. Even Peter Pan. I blame the downfall of childhood on women. Sorry ladies.

Anyway. Back to the awkward, almost adult topic.

It's a terrifying and thrilling prospect, being an adult. Freedom and responsibility are the scales of adulthood. You have the option to do more things, but also the responsibility not to abuse that freedom. And if you aren't responsible, you generally have negative consequences. And this isn't a game. There are no 1-ups. You get one shot to live your life. If you screw up, you might have to spend of your life regretting something. You might get an afterlife, but there is no way to be sure without a little faith. And anyway, you still have to deal with the consequences of this life in the next. But what if you don't believe in the next life. If you're like me, and you despise anything temporary, this life seems basically pointless. Maybe even scary, for the thought of it ending.

So you have a choice. Live in fear of what comes next, or live to the fullest, with no regrets. No regrets for things you have done, and no regrets for things you haven't.

There's one more option that I've briefly considered. And that is the option of taking your life into your own hands and cutting it short, thereby giving yourself the illusion of control. But when you think about it, who are you proving that you have control to? God? Family? Friends? I can promise that suicide won't prove anything to anyone. It's not brave, it's stupid and cowardly. The bravest thing you can do is keep on living, because honestly, being alive is probably the most terrifying, wonderful, brilliant thing ever conjured up. Being human. Having emotions, opinions, feelings. These aren't strictly human experiences, but by being human we can identify and express them like no other creature on earth. Art. Music. No other species has come even close to expressing feelings as much as humans. I am proud to be human for this, and also so disappointed with mankind for squandering and taking this awesome thing for granted. I want to experience all that humankind has to offer.

This brings me back to the crossroads of my life. Deciding where to go from here is like seeing two paths in a yellow wood, but they're both exactly the same. As said by Lewis Carroll(sorry if the spelling is off) in his book "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland", the main protagonist Alice is questioning the Cheshire cat on which way to go and he replies "that depends on where you want to end up" and Alice innocently and naively replies something like, "It doesn't really matter"  and the Cheshire Cat grins and replies, "then it doesn't matter much which way you go". This story hasn't ever applied to me more than now. I'm trying to decide which way to go in life, but I have no idea which way to go. But it's my own fault because I have no idea where I want to end up. But that doesn't matter to me so much as the journey does. And the journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. The best I can do is to not walk in a circle.

So what I'm trying to get at with my long winded post is that I'm going to stop controlling my life so much, and focus more on enjoying what comes my way. The journey is temporary but there is always now.

dream journal

I'm thinking it wouldn't be a terrible idea to start a dream journal.

Every day for about a week now, i've had (or at least remembered) one dream, and they're all really good! I can't remember the ones throughout the week, but I think i'm gonna start writing them down. Just because they're fun. n_n Alright let's begin!

Tuesday morning June 12:
The first dream I remember was playing truth or dare and I got dared to kiss this one girl, not important who, and I leaned in, and then I pulled back and asked, "don't you have to dare her too?" and then she kissed me and I think I was too stunned to do anything, so I just kind of sat there. I'm a crappy kisser apparently.

Okay second dream, this one was more out there. I was playing pingpong at the union, but instead of where the bowling usually is, there was a massive auditorium full of what looked like all the high school students from across Utah, each wearing different colored graduation robes. Or wizard robes, take your pic. Okay I was playing pingpong and then either someone came and got me and threw robes on me, or I was magically teleported on stage. On far stage left to be precise. Actually on the steps leading up to stage left. On the right stage. There were THREE stages!! The right stage was a massive mountain that looked like clouds or ice cream, that was probably made out of a foam type substance, and there were places for the singers to stand. I think I was wearing green or maroon robes. I can't remember. But we were in the middle of a song, a dream is a wish, and I didn't know the words (I actually don't know the words) but I sang what I knew really well (I thought). But when it ended, I was at the only exit off stage, but I had no idea where to go, I hadn't been to any of the practices! But Senorita Taylor was very kind and yelled at me to get off the stage. So I ran and sat next to her, and said, "sorry! i haven't been to any of the practices!" and she said, "It's fine!! I loved your harmonies!! You have a great voice, I wish you were in the choir!" (Why was I on stage if I wasn't in the choir? o.O) Anyway! Senorita was the choir director for this disney concert thing. Next up we had some people in glittery blue robes get on the cloud stage and they sang... something I didn't like. I don't remember. I don't remember most of the concert, but it was the best concert i've never been to. At some point people in purple robes did the hercules song, "the gospel truth" on the middle stage, which was just a standard stage, and they were UNREAL! They got an encore and they did "circle of life" which was arranged magnificently and the lead male singer was AMAZING and the harmonies were ridiculous. They were like a gospel choir. After that someone (the host I guess) got on the left stage (devil stage) and asked how everyone was doing, and she got major applause and cheering and mass hysteria. And then another group in yellow got on that stage and starting singing a song that I don't remember. And the host went around asking what people were doing for their birthdays so the song must have had to do with birthdays. Maybe a peter pan song... I dunno. But she asked me what I was doing and I said, "Um... turning 18!!" And the crowd erupted and then I woke up. n_n

So those are my crazy dreams for the day! I hope you enjoyed them!

life on broadway

I feel like age is kind of pointless.

Age is just the number of times you've been around the sun. It's basically the x amount of time you've had to have y amount of experiences. I believe experience is what ultimately makes you, you. But the amount of time you get on this rock has nothing to do with the quality of experience you have! x≠y !! What you get out of life is what you put into it. Your life is your life. Nobody else can live it for you. Some people are the doers who go out and make things happen. Some people are watchers who enjoy seeing other people enjoy life. Some people are dreamers who are satisfied with living life in a make-believe fantasy. When I was a kid, I was a dreamer. I dreamed about all the things I would do when I "grew up". I wanted to be an astronaut. I wanted to be an inventor. I wanted to be an author. I'm obviously not any of those things yet. But it's never too late to make those things happen! Well... i'm pretty sure they don't let infirm elderlies into space... but hopefully I don't wait that long to get my life moving. Then when I was in junior high I was a watcher. I didn't really have friends, but I didn't care, because I loved watching people have friends. It's kind of sad now that I think about it... But I loved it at the time! Even when I did have friends, I was more of a watcher than a participant. When I did participate, it was because someone forced me to. Then I got to the point where I realized I had 15 years of "experience" that wasn't worth experiencing. I switched to being a doer. Which is an awfully scary transition. It was like being in the crowd watching a play over and over again, and then deciding to hop on stage with the cast. But when I got up there I realized that nobody had any clue what they were doing either! They were just good actors. It was all improv. What i'm saying is that some people live their lives as if their doing a rehearsal, but this is it! This is the show! Are you participating? Are you watching? Or are you at home imagining what the play is like? There is a role for everybody. A unique role. It doesn't matter how old you are, you can always switch roles!

So. Who are you gonna be?

strings

You know what it feels like to be numb in the face after the dentist, or staying outside in the cold too long?

You know how it interferes with your eating and speech? And maybe you've even sat on the toilet too long and your legs have fallen asleep, like me. It's the weirdest feeling. I always feel detached from my own feet, like they don't belong to me. I usually feel like I live in my head, and my body is just an extension of my consciousness, heart, and spirit. But when my body goes numb, I feel like it's not even a part of me. I punch my feet trying to feel something, and laugh when I bruise my knuckles. So you can imagine the sense of emptiness and loss that I feel when I go emotionally numb. After you lose feeling in such a big part of your heart, it's hard to feel anything but loss. Nothing tastes as sweet as it used to. My heart is the only thing that makes me me, and when that goes numb, i'm just a hollowed out animated corpse on puppet strings. I had just gotten feeling back, when I decided to hand over my strings to someone else. You have to put all your trust in the puppet-master, because they'll string you along wherever they want you to go. They'll live out their fantasies on that little stage. And it'll be great! You'll live happily together for a while, dancing, laughing, playing together. He'll paint a smile on your face, and make you the happiest puppet there ever was. But eventually the master will find new puppets to dance with. And you'll be left backstage in a motionless heap, that stupid fake smile painted on your blank wooden face. Time will go by and your paint will chip off piece by piece. And someday a new puppeteer will find you in your dark corner, and fall in love with you. They'll pick you up by your old strings, dust you off, paint a brand new face on you, and the cycle starts again. They'll leave too. You can't live your life waiting for someone to play with your heart strings. Don't be a puppet. Cut the strings and walk tall and proud. Paint your own face, and find another free puppet to play on the stage with.

Actually, forget the rambling parable.

Don't ever get caught up in trying to be the person you think others want you to be. Be yourself. If you try too hard being what you think somebody wants or even needs, you'll lose yourself. And when you lose them too, you have nothing. No sense of self, and no sense of attachment to anyone else. You have to start from scratch like you did once before. Just pray you won't find someone else to try and please, so you can rebuild yourself completely. Once you know you, you can try to know somebody else. One of the best feelings in the world is discovering yourself with somebody else. The problem with that, is that half of you is somebody else. And they always leave. But. Is it worth it? Building characters with people over and over again, only to have them ripped apart? It's one of my favorite things to do. Be somebody that somebody else wants me to be. Creating this... persona with somebody wonderful that you care for so intently. It's so amazing while you're in character. But then it's gone. I just don't know if it's worth it. We'll find out. Cause I know i'll do it again. I don't remember how to do anything else.

maybe

"Maybe" makes me want to rip my lungs out.

"Maybe" is a less specific phrase than "15 minutes COULD save you UP TO 15% or MORE on car insurance."

Maybe, someday, eventually, possibly, uncertainly, perhaps. It's so noncommittal! Maybe i'll learn how to play the guitar. Maybe i'll visit Paris someday. Maybe i'll fall in love.

"Maybe" is a hopeful word. It's a word to say "this could happen, but i don't want to get my hopes up, or put the effort in to make it happen".

Imagine if we turned all those maybes and somedays into todays. Live in the now, it's the only time we've got.

regrets

If this was your last night on earth, what would you do?

What would race through your head? What would flash before your eyes? A life full of sweet moments, shared with people you love, or a life full of loneliness and regret. Now this might depend on your perception of your life, but a heavy portion depends on what you did or didn't do in your life. Regret is my LEAST favorite feeling in the world. If I did something that could be avoided, or if I didn't do something that could have happened, I never let it go. But, i've gained some new insight on this recently. Can I safely define regret as a feeling of loss or disappointment for actions taken or not taken? The biggest part of regret is the reaction to action. And i've learned that you can't always be looking at things with regret and remorse. I think exes carry with them one of the more sensitive feelings of regret. There is so many different kinds of pain that go through your heart when it is separated from another's. Most of them having to do with loss. There are so many different ways two lovers can be separated, whether by death, or geographic location, or by the emotional walls they build up around themselves. And the feeling of loss is astonishing. Your heart is your core, the very pinnacle of your identity, and when you share that with another, it is the most unbelievable, blissful feeling experienced by mankind. Blissful isn't the right word. Blissful is more synonymous with passive and content feelings. But sharing love is intense, raw, fierce, burning. You feel invincible, like the world is your oyster, and you have someone to share it with. When you lose that, you have to go back to how you were before. Your feelings are numbed, and nothing is as enjoyable as it once was. Cry, beg, try, fail, need, call, pine, fall, sleep, lose, deny, cling, succumb, isolate, pity, mope, quit, doubt, rely, linger, stare, lean, mourn. Blame, scream, hurt, lie, bite, kick, pinch, hate, push, ignore, run, stomp, gnaw, burn, scratch, slap, bruise, cut, threaten, dread, squeeze, glare, shove, loathe. STOP! Think, remember, reflect, recollect, compose, write, grow, hear, learn, go, see, seek, touch, release, live, tell, open, step, reach, ponder, read, teach, strive. Wake, realize, create, accept, do, thrive, know, celebrate, smile, acknowledge, clench, jump, feel, love, hope, sing, move, on, move, on, move, on. There is a period of mourning that everybody goes through in their own way, but after a while, it's time to remember how wonderful it was to be with them, for however long you had. And on your last night on earth, will you be regretting them? Or will you celebrate the love that you shared, that only a handful of people on earth even have the capacity to feel, let alone actually feel. You might be bruised, bleeding, crying, wishing. And what you had is going to be a stinging memory for a while. But if you can move past it, and remember that it happened, and it was real, and a wonder, then your sojourn on this earth will end with no regrets. You never know when your journey will come to it's end, so don't let regrets and grudges weight you down. Move onward and upward. And pray they can do the same.

drafts

Drafts are the saddest of all the forms of writing. They are like your first awkward kiss, or your first time at a new school. Uncomfortable and clumsy. But drafts are what make masterpieces what they are! Do you think Beethoven wrote his nine symphonies perfectly the first time? If so, you need to try writing a song. It's not that easy even for a musical prodigy like him. Every beautiful creative concoction of past and present ideas needs to start somewhere! Put a complete dream, a thought, a vision somewhere other than your head, and only good things can come of it. There are so many drafts for so many brilliant ideas out there! They never get enough attention to grow and flourish! You should go into your drafts in your texts, your blog posts, your word documents, and finish the idea you started however long ago. You don't want to leave your tenth symphony unfinished do you? Even if the final product isn't "good-enough" to share with the world, at least you put effort into completing an idea. I'll bet you, more often than not, if you put the work in to finish something, you'll be proud enough of it to post it, share it, send it, print it, retweet it, whatever. Apply this to friends, love, school, anything really!! Never leave anything unfinished, or not done to the best you can.

hahaha... hey... it's been a while.

I've been staring at this box for a few minutes now, trying to think up some brilliant and clever excuse for my absence. But honestly, I just couldn't think of any more words to write, that I really cared about. I guess I'm not in my blue period anymore, which is a little sad because I'm more creative when I'm depressed. That's okay though, because I'm moving on into my yellow period, which may or may not be a thing. It's my favorite color so we're gonna make it a thing, ok? n_n Am I the only one that feels like words aren't enough sometimes? I feel like I need something else to fill the void of this big white box... Hmm... How about...

Old Poems

I found some old poems I wrote for English, and I thought I'd share them. I'm not really sure why I used dashes, but I'm not censoring these. Except for spelling. I spelled some things wrong. Okay here you go.

The fleeting feeling - of Peace is rare
It flies away - wisps of cloud in air -
But will burst with color while the sun does set
As the blue sky - turns to red.

Although it seems - that life is gloomy.
The seeds of love are surely blooming
In the garden - my love so fair
And with my heart - she waits there.

Youth

Youth is so blasted confusing.

On the one hand it is a great blessing to be young.
You have a young body, and you don't have as many responsibilities.

On the other, it is impossible.
It doesn't make sense.
You have a young, healthy body approaching your peak,
but you're too young to do anything with it.
The world won't let you do anything with it,
and you're too young to know what to do with it.
But you're too old to be a child,
to be held in your parents arms,
spoken to like a child,
told "everything will be okay".

When you get older,
you look back at when you were young,
and think about how stupid you were.
Am I the only one who thinks this way?
As a 17 year old boy/man, I look back at my 16 year old self, and laugh.
I was a completely different person!
Just a year ago!
So when I get to be in my 70s or 80s I don't want to feel like I wasted it.
I want to live this time to it's fullest.
And I don't want to forget it!
I have the world's worst memory, as some of you know,
and I don't think it'll get any better as I age.
So, I have decided to start writing a journal of sorts.
On here, I'm going to try a more... emotional and vague look on my day,
just to keep myself a bit more private.
And I'm going to keep a more factual, event type journal elsewhere.
I'm telling you all this, so you can hold me to it!
Now that I type that, it doesn't make sense,
but that's my theory in any case!
Hopefully this journal can be a reference that I can look back on,
when I'm older and lost again,
and find the simple truths that I once knew.
Remember that I went through tough times,
and how I overcame them.
Or how I failed, and not to try something like that again.

My Broken Heart/Love of an Orchestra

You can give up anything when you're following your heart
I never had the time to show I could depart
with my whole being, go back to the start
Oh I promised more in vows then I ever give with my heart
but I'll be lonely
Oh I'll be lonely
Oh I'll be lonely
oh again

Broken hearts are a fickle thing and complicated too
I thought I believed in love but I've never seen it through
Oh I didn't marry the girl I loved
I saw my world cave in, felt like giving up
but I'll be laughing
Oh I'll be laughing
Oh I'll be laughing
oh again

I've been looking for hope these days
but loves not finding me
but now my hearts been broken there is nothing you can do
I'm impenetrable to pain
Oh, you can break my broken heart
Oh no, you can break my broken heart

Fears

I'm afraid of being alone.
I'm afraid of dying alone.
I'm afraid of writing about this, because of how I will feel afterward.
I'm afraid of writing this because of what people will say.
Or what people won't say.
I'm afraid of hurting other people.
I'm scared to open up.
I'm tired of not having anyone to open up to.
I'm tired of living.
I'm tired of not living enough.
I'm scared of forgetting.
I'm scared of loving.
I'm angry at myself.
I'm tired of not knowing what I want.
I'm tired of knowing what I want, and not being able to get it.
The harder I try to achieve it, the quicker it eludes me.
I'm scared of losing my mind.
I'm terrified of growing up.
I'm scared of myself.
I'm scared of what I've done.
I'm scared of what I might do.
I'm tired of not being able to say these things out loud.
I'm frustrated with myself.
I'm filled with hatred and loathing for the fantasies in my head, that seem just close enough to achieve, but I always say the wrong thing.
I'm sick of the dirty looks.
I'm sick of the judging.
I'm exhausted from trying to come up with new things to do.
I'm afraid
scared
tired
angry
terrified
sick
exhausted.

I love my life.
I love my friends.
I love to love.
I love being young right now.
I love the possibilities.
I love the opportunity.
I love learning.
I love the fantasies in my head that keep me sane.
I love writing.
I love singing.
I love dancing.
I love pictures.
I love music.
I love my family.
I love God.
I love art.
I love new things.
I love food.
I love to see.
I love to hear.
I love to smell.
I love to taste.
I love to smile.
I love to laugh.
I live life.
I live with or without a purpose.
I live alone.
I live for others.
I love for others.

This year,
despite all of my fears and all my imperfections,
I am going to be happy.
I am going to love deeper than I have loved before.
I am going to live as the person I need to be.
I am going to progress more this year, than I ever have before.

You are going to try and stop me.

Good luck.

Attempting a Poem

My words stumble out of my mouth,
like they're struggling to get out.
They don't belong to me,
I stole them from who I used to be.
I speak in parables and rhymes,
that begin with "once upon a time".
Because I'm much too cowardly to say what I mean.
But just know that It's not always what it seems.
You may think that you know me,
from the words that aren't mine.
But how could you know me,
these are just letters in a line.
If you really want to know who I am,
although I'm not sure you can,
Just ask me in person.
My complexion will worsen.
I'll try to hide,
what I'm feeling inside.
But hopefully you can read the pain on my face,
read it out loud and put me in my place.
Tell me where I ought to go,
cause I for sure don't know.

Rhyming is hard...

Bait

Why are you so nice to me?
You build me up.
Make me feel like I'm more important than anyone else.
You spoil me.
I'd do anything to make you give me that smile again.
You love me.
Those little things you do for me.
Only me.
...
I took the bait.
...
It wasn't only me.
You did those things for everybody, I can see.
You don't love me.
That smile I loved has brought me nothing but pain.
You spoiled me.
Made me feel just like everybody else.
You tore me down.
Why were you so mean to me?

Musical Chairs

You're a saboteur.
You shut them down.
Why do you make them fall for you,
when you don't intend to catch them?
Oh no, you aren't all bad.
You gave them a push off the cliff,
Hoping to jump after them,
and catch them as they fell.
But you can't catch up.
They'll be gone when they hit the ground,
and you'll be falling.
Falling for no reason.
Falling all alone.
Who are you falling for?
The wind rushes past you.
The ground is coming up to greet you.
Look around.
Try to find someone to fall with.
But you can't.
All you see is the one you pushed below you,
and the one you wish had fallen above.
The one that was already in love.
You were too late.
You feel like the music has stopped,
and you were left without a chair.

But this isn't musical chairs.
In musical chairs, if you don't get the one you want,
you move on to the next one.
The chair never protests.
The chair is never jealous of your first choice.
The chair doesn't care whose butt sits on it.

Grow up.
Musical chairs is a kids game.
Look next to you, and say hi.
There's somebody there,
playing the game the teacher says you should play.
Take their hand and get away.
Leave all the sad children,
and make your own adventure.
Laugh and sing.
Run and play.

Run to the cliff.
Push them off.
They're falling.
You're falling.

......

Maybe you should have stayed a kid.